It continues

It's 2am and I am not remotely ready to go to bed.  I worked a full day today -- I even got a lot done: I completed the budget, which involved some serious analysis; I wrote the first four pages of the new staff guide; I went to a pointless meeting -- see, I did a lot.  And I walked to and from work, so, in theory, I should be a little sleepy, right?  I even stayed out last night, drinking wine.  Yet here I am, avoiding my bedroom with every fiber of my being.

The night before last the dread kept me up until 5:30 in the morning.  I forced myself to sleep on the couch for a couple of hours, just so that I could get an eensy bit of rest, and I did feel pretty good yesterday.  But this is cannot go on long-term.

I think I know where the dread comes from.  I miss someone.  I can go all day without thinking about him, but then when I turn off the lamp on the nightstand and settle my head on my pillow, there he is.  I keep replaying every moment that we were together and every word of our last conversation.  It happens without fail every night, so much so that I can't bear to be in my bedroom...I can't think about it anymore.  It preoccupies me and keeps me up, which is funny because here I am staying awake so that I won't have to be kept awake by my thoughts about Wes.

Every day when I come home from work I find a distraction, so that I won't have to think about eventually going to bed.  I'll sit and write about inane things, like sweetsops and guineps, or I'll pace around the apartment, or watch a season of Queer as Folk, or read any number of books and magazines sitting around here, or watch CNN, or just stare.

I work too much at this point to think about having a life outside of work, to distract me in a socially acceptable way.  Plus, I'm just not feeling good enough about myself to go meet new people.  It's weird -- most of the people here came here for the lifestyle, not work, but I came here for work.  I feel like I'm missing out, but, hey, at least I can finally pay my bills.

My bed is still made from yesterday.  I think it might stay that way again tonight.